Pain is in the perception

I have a phrase I teach, “The pain is in the perception.”

So often when we are in emotional or mental distress the pain is a result of our perception of the situation more than the situation itself. It’s how we are seeing it, our thoughts about it. I’m talking day-to-day situations. Clashing with a family member, whiny kids, messy house, money issues, overwhelm, etc.

For example, remember Stephen Covey’s well know story about the disruptive kids on the subway? Listen to this 2 minute video. You won't regret it.

He was thinking of their dad as irresponsible and uncaring about the other people on the subway. He felt agitated, offended, frustrated…painful, uncomfortable emotions. Yet when he spoke up and said something to the children’s father and learned their mom had just died and they didn’t really know how to handle it, everything changed for him! 

Now here’s the key-the circumstance was exactly the same. The kids were still being disruptive. BUT everything changed for Stephen Covey. Suddenly he felt empathy, compassion, love. WHY? His perception changed. The rowdy kids (the situation) were never causing his pain. His thoughts about them were and when his thoughts changed his feelings changed.

This is true in every situation. We believe the source of our pain is money or stress or our mother-in-law. And while there are often real problems there, there is also often a lot of perception, thoughts, insecurities and judgement. Which may or may not be helpful or even true. 

If we will look at those first and throw out any false, messy or unhelpful thoughts, much of the problem may be solved right there. If there’s still an issue at least we are in a much more clear place to decide how to proceed!

Give it a try. Next time you are experiencing painful or uncomfortable emotions pause for a second and consider your thoughts and perception and how it’s playing into your feelings.

For more tools like this plus support and deeper education about how to heal emotionally and create strong relationships check out the Joyful Life Community.